We’re Better Together…

Namaste Friends,

We are closing the out summer by extending our camping adventure; what was going to be 10 days at Chatfield reservoir has morphed into 25 days. We were in the right place at the right time to grab another spot once our original one was up. We have a pop-up camper that we have ”tricked” out and so we spend many nights sleeping in the open air and living amongst the natural elements. We are close enough to Denver that we can drive in to teach our classes, do our work, and keep an eye on our house, but far enough out that we have owls and deer and western tanagers coming by on the regular. Its like having lakefront property with million dollar views, but without the mortgage that comes with that. I can’t say we are unplugged but we are out of the fray and things slow down out here. We look out across a field of golden hay with the mountains in the back drop, and the cool, blue lake in front of us. The campground is quiet and the sunrises and sunsets have been amazing. We are in our element here.

I like observing the sweet families that come in for a few nights to camp. I can hear their laughter wafting from their campfires and I love watching the siblings racing their bikes around the camp loop. Multi-generational families are playing cards together; Grandpa is showing everyone how to fish, and Grandma is making banana pancakes in the morning. Everyone is enjoying each others company, and they aren’t on their phones. I kind of feel like I stepped back in time, to a day when things were simpler and less complicated. I love our pseudo lake house life.

But soon we will shift from naps in the hammock to gearing up for back to school. It seems like even if you aren’t in school or have kids in school, the traditional school schedule holds a lot of influence in our lives. Mid August we all start to get back to our daily routines. Its almost like we crave getting organized.

My boys are older, so we don’t get to go buy school supplies…one of my favorite parts of back to school time. But we still have some things to do. My oldest son Max is starting his first teaching job in Douglas, Wyoming. He is a high school social studies teacher, and this is his first “real” job. And our other son Bo is starting his junior year at Montana State. So Michael and I are helping each of them get ready. This means we fill up the car with a lot of stuff and drive it to their homes and drop it off. We are like Amazon Prime-but not as efficient, and more expensive. And where Amazon just leaves the stuff on your door step, I unpack it and put it away for you.

The word “enabling” has come up a few times recently in regards to this parenting approach. I am asked why every time they go back to school I always help my kids “fluff up their nests”-isn’t that making them dependent on someone to always take care of them? Maybe. But Its my love language. Clearly I have convinced myself that it is helping them because every year I go to great lengths to make sure they are comfy, cozy, and situated in their environments. Neither of them seem to mind so I do what I can. And I like to think I am teaching them how to be inter-dependent.

They are grown men in their 20’s, but they will always feel like my babies. I know some of you just cringed hearing me call them my babies-don’t worry, they are not coddled, just deeply loved. But if the now-a-days rules are that there is a point in their life when I am not suppose to help them anymore, I am not sure I can obey that rule. I think we should always help each other-especially our loved ones, as much as we can, whenever we can. As a mother, it is my instinct to nurture, nourish, and care for them. Of course I am mindful of giving them room to spread their wings and do their own thing, but just because they have reached an age of “independence” doesn’t mean that I am no longer going to be their guide, teacher-or do a load of laundry for them when I am in town.

I lament the fact that we no longer live in family communities. I was lucky enough to get to live with both my grandmothers at different times in my life for extended periods of times. Both of my grandmother’s taught me so much just by sharing their stories and being in my proximity. I learned by watching them. One grandma always made biscuits from scratch. I saw her do it enough times that I can also make biscuits, even though I don’t think she ever officially taught me how. I know how to wash windows with newspaper and vinegar because my other grandma would do it in the living room while I played dolls; its just what she did so its what I came to know. I cherish the art of writing a handwritten letter or card because they both did it so often as a way to keep in touch with their friends and family. I “learned” all these behaviors by being around them all the time. When I was little, staying the summer at grandmas was normal and part of life. My grandparents were my teachers, mentors, and support system too.

But its different now. We are lucky if we visit my parents even seasonally, and then its only for a day or two. My kids know and love their grandparents, but they don’t know them as intimately as I knew mine. They just haven’t had as much time with them, as I did with mine. Looking back, I realize how lucky I was to have had those living together spurts of time.
I have always impressed upon my kids the importance of family and community, and because of that they appreciate our family bonds, but they have more distractions today and more outside influences, and so spending time with their elders isn’t as appealing as hanging with their girlfriends or playing on their phone.

Young people today are getting a lot of messaging to “be your own person”-which I agree with and support, but the way that they often aim to discover this ‘true self” is to look up a YouTube or TikTok video on how to be unique and independent-which usually includes buying some product or doing some paid for program.

Most kids don’t think to call up their grandparents and ask them for their wisdom. My 78 year old dad could write up a diet and exercise program that would rival any top fitness influencer in social media land. He has done it his whole life and he is in great shape. But he will take an hour plus to explain it all, and my kids “don’t have the time” for the lengthy explanation. They want a 30 sec video with graphics to highlight some key things. Even though his response will be resplendent with storytelling, analogy, and metaphor, it will be 45 minutes before he even gets to the actual exercise protocol. So instead of calling Grandpa, they scroll and take the advise from a rando with 3k followers who says it in a minute. Its not just young people, we are collectively loosing our attention span, and our ability to have long conversations, and to listen to each other. Its almost like because of social media, we are forgetting how to be social in real time.

We are all so accustomed to 30sec sound bites and video reels, that anything much longer than that is tiresome and we look for the slightest distraction so we can move on.

Admittedly, it seems that there are more of our elders who have dementia and Alzheimer’s, but there are still many who have full memories, and have lived full lives, and have much to share. I personally have made it a point to try to converse with as many of the “silver foxes” in my life as I can. I call my own mom everyday and talk for about 20 minutes. Even if it is mundane talk, I enjoy her company. I haven’t gotten to old to ask her or my dad for guidance and advice. And I sorely miss my grandparents because they were bottomless with their two cents worth.

Of course I have always encouraged my boys to “carpe diem”, and to discover their true self by going on adventures and exploring the world. I have taught them the importance of being self-reliant and to think for themselves. And I am so proud of both of them for becoming well adjusted adults with their own sense of identity and purpose. But every chance I get, I always propose the communal living idea…“Don’t you think it would be so great?” I say, “We could all have our own homes on some family land and there could be a tunnel that connects us all together…”

“Sure Mom”

I think that means keep dreaming mom.

I wish I could get my own mother to come live with us and let me pamper her in her elder years. But she too likes her independence and won’t leave her cabin in the woods, even if it is too hard on her. In her mind, she doesn’t want to be a burden on her kids.

Our socio-econonmic culture has made it so that if we stay together in larger communal pods-like many still do in other areas of the world like Central and South America, Africa, Asia, and Northern Eurpoean countries, then we are pitied for being limited in our scope and breadth of our life’s purpose. That somehow if we stay together as an extended family unit we will miss out on fulfilling our unique potential. Like we are confined to only thinking and doing what the other’s in our tribe are doing. But why? We can still “become our true selves” and live on the family farm.

The modern thinking is that if we don’t push our babies out of the nest right away, they will never learn to fly and we will enable them to be lazy, ungrateful, and unproductive. Or if our elders live with us, they will or we will lose some independence and therefore they become frail and we become burdened.

So from a very young age we are taught it is best to strike out on our own-and do it all by ourselves.

So now we have a whole lot of lost young people, who have decent paying jobs, living stacked on top of each other in high rise apartments, feeling lonely and isolated and without connection-and spending an inordinate amount of time on their screens, trying to feel like they belong. Is this what independence and finding your true self is suppose to look like?

And likewise, we have a lot of our elders living in assisted living facilities, and they too are feeling lonely and isolated and without connection as they stare at Drew Carey on the Price Is Right.

And not surprisingly, both of these populations are steeped in depression. The young people are told to go to therapy. They get diagnosed as clinically depressed, handed a prescription for an anti-depressant, and then head back home to get comfortably numb-and doom scroll some more. And the elderly become invisible to society withering away in their nursing home. Meanwhile, their social security check pays the caregiver to give them their meds and wheel them to bingo at 4 o’clock.

Somehow we have lost our tribes.

Maybe its the push to “be your own person” and be independent.

But moreover, I think that it is our lack of teaching people how to be inter-dependent. I think we need to bring back the principles of living communally, like indigenous tribes and communities do.

What if we are taught to trust and rely on each other for support. And we learn how to be trustworthy and reliable ourselves. Through inter-dependence we are taught the art of conversation and sharing our feelings, and at the same time we learn to be a good listener, and how to hold space for people. We learn not to shy away from uncomfortable feelings or communication, but rather to participate in co-creating a solution for life’s inevitable difficulties. We learn that we can lean into the support of our community for guidance and assistance and that we don’t have to do everything alone. Inter-dependence could teach us that its not a sign of weakness to ask for help, but rather it is a strength and a good fortune that we can and do have a support network. And that there is great value in helping others out. The intrinsic reward is a sense of purpose. And the external reward is that people are connected.

We can still be unique and do our own thing in life, while simultaneously sitting at the communal table at the end of the day, breaking bread together and sharing our stories. Inter-dependence gives us strong negotiation skills, teaches us patience, tolerance, and acceptance. We develop a deeper sense of compassion, and forgiveness is less difficult with someone you love and support every day.

We learn to work out our differences and we become more service oriented and less self-ish. Accountability is heightened, and developing life-skills is a group effort. Plus the daily responsibilities are less burdensome. Many hands make light work.

And best of all, we aren’t lonely. We have family and community. We are connected with others. We have a sense of belonging and purpose.

So as summer winds down, and the back-to-school bell signals that its time to get our daily routines back to balance, I encourage you to find your tribe as part of that structure. If your family is far away or not really your vibe, create a new community. Be friendly and approachable. Smile and wave at the neighbor you see all the time, even if you don’t know them. Ask the older lady in your yoga class- that you see every time, what kind of music she likes. Get to know her.

And if you see someone like my son, living all alone in a new place. Ask them if they discovered your favorite museum and tell them about it. Help them integrate into the community, even if they are half your age. And if you live alone-invite one or two people over once a week for a themed dinner and have them bring a dish. Volunteer at a senior living facility, become a familiar face to one of the invisible elders. Learn a new skill, like woodworking or silversmithing-there is a whole tribe of new friends right there in that class.

If you have a tribe, establish a family call night where everyone Zooms in and shares. And if your family/tribe is close, build in communal meal times, bring back the family chore chart on the side of the fridge, and make time for weekly family check-ins, at first they might be awkward, but eventually everyone will have the gift of the gab. Create a family/friend book of the month club, or start a monthly craft night or game night. Take turns cooking dinner and then have a cook off once a month. And if your loved ones are far away-try to write a handwritten letter, or pick up the phone more often. A text message is so impersonal.

There are many more things we can do to become more inter-dependent and community oriented. I would love to hear your ideas. If you have some thoughts please share them with me. I think this is crucial for our planet, our species, and all of creation. We are better when we do things together.

Enjoy your last hurrah’s of summer and we will see you at the studio soon I hope.

 

Until then…

Much Love ❤️

Katrina Marie